How we handle conflict in our multi generational home
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Good morning! This topic is way to big to discuss in one blog post so I promise, I will continue to write about it during these next couple months. I had a reader ask me over the weekend, “how do you resolve conflict in your home?”. What? We don’t ever fight or have conflict. Yeah right! I have received so many emails from readers asking,
“how do you have a heated conversation with your husband, do you ever fight?”
“do you wait until everyone is gone before you have an argument?”
“what happens if you are upset with your parents or grandparents?”
“Does your husband get along with your parents and grandparents?”
These are just a few of the email questions I get on a daily basis. I have decided to start answering them in form of a blog post every now and then. Please don’t think that I don’t read your emails if you don’t get a response from me. I read every single one! I am finding it extremely difficult to answer back each email so hopefully I will answer your questions in this format. Keep sending your questions, some of them are hilarious and really brighten my day!
Our arguments (my husband and I) are heated, full blown raging brawls sometimes and guess what, they happen right then and there and it doesn’t matter who is home. Unless of course my son is around, we are careful not to argue in front of him. Although I would be lying if I said he has never seen an argument. Our household is typical of any household that is raising children and/or shared living. Just multiply it a few times. It is hard enough getting along in a marriage or a relationship with a significant other but throw in some kids, your parents and your grandparents under the same roof and imagine the insanity. If you want to know the truth, it really is insanity.
My husband and I were having an argument the other day in our kitchen and lets just say, it wasn’t pretty. I mean, it’s normal to have arguments with your spouse. Anyone who tells you they don’t, are lying. During this argument in comes my dad moseying on through the kitchen and into our family room. Completely clueless and unaware of what he just walked into. Of course, my husband keeps on going as if my father wasn’t even there which made me ever more mad. To make matters worse, my grandfather decided he was going to come and hang out for a bit and as soon as he showed up, I left. Was I annoyed? Yes. Was I disgusted that my dad and grandfather were right in the middle of a conversation that I felt was private? Yes. Did I want to tell my dad to get out of the kitchen so I could continue to flip out? Yes. Looking back, it’s probably a good thing because the argument ended, I left for an hour or so, time went by and later that day with a calm and rational head, my husband and I laughed about it.
So to answer your question of “how do we resolve conflict?” , we don’t. I usually leave. ha. Just kidding. Honestly, I think because we have so many people around so often that at least for my husband and I, it’s probably a good thing because I know when we lived alone (prior to moving in with my parents) I wouldn’t have left a heated conversation, I would stay right in it and looking back, I think it made it worse. Now, I tend to realize that a “cooling off” period helps and not engaging and fueling the fire is also helpful.
Any conflict that involves my grandfather and I (we have our fair share of disagreements) usually involves me leaving. Don’t get me wrong, my grandfather and I are very much alike and we like to get the last word. We are both hot tempered and we both are strong in our opinions. However, in my years of dealing with him I have realized that he will never change, I mean the man is 84! He has to get the last word in. It’s just the way it is. I have learned that by telling him what I think and then leaving is best. That makes him even more made when I walk out on him. hehe. I always get an “I’m sorry” after that. ha. BUT if I stay in the argument with him, it makes things worse and fuels the fire. If I can manage to keep my mouth shut ( I pretend I have duct tape over it) and speak my peace without flipping out, he usually feels bad after and he apologizes. Probably because my grandmother has threatened his life. ha.
Well for today, that is about all I have to say on this topic. Maybe I should do a series on how we handle conflict. I didn’t even touch on the other family members. Good grief, I could write for days on this topic. How about you? Could you live with your extended family and your spouse? Would you battle with your spouse in front of everyone or would you be more private?
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I feel your pain! I, too, live in a 4 generation household but there are no grandfathers as they have passed but just to make things more interesting add in my brother. So my household is my grandmother, my mother, my brother, my husband, my son and myself. My advice? Don’t add a sibling to the mix! It’s hard enough to have my grandma and my mom telling me how to raise my son and then spoiling him rotten after I’ve said no. But add in my brother telling me how to raise my teenager when he’s never raised a teenager himself? TOXIC!
Our biggest issue is over what I allow my son to do and when, or how loud he is when playing a game or talking to his friends. I get alot of flack over things that don’t bother me and I figure he’s just being a teenager. And I count myself lucky that he wants to bring his friends home and I can still get him to give me a kiss when he’s walking out the door with a friend!
And my husband and I usually argue in our bedroom or the car! But never when the car is actually moving! This way, no one usually interferes.
Hey Nancy! Oh my, I cannot imagine adding another family member to our mix. Yikes, sounds like you have your hands full. WE hide in the bathroom sometimes and argue 🙂
I really enjoyed reading this and am looking forward to all your blog entries regarding this subject. I grew up in a multi-generational household (my mom’s mom lived with us ft when I was young) that was complicated by the fact that my dad was US born but my grandmother could not have been more “old-world” in her ways. I’m curious if (or how) not having to worry about ethnic/cultural differences between the generations makes things any easier.
Ruth,
From my experience, there is no difference whether there is ethnic/cultural issues or not. We are all raised differently and in different environments. Thise types of clashes are always going to be there. For example, my husband was raised in a household where loud was the norm. My childhood household was very quiet. That in itself is clash-worthy. My husband and I are always from very different parts of the country. He is from the Midwest and I am from the West coast. That comes with its own differences. And older generations are set in their ways whether those ways are the same “culture” or not!
I see your point, but the huge cultural/religious divide between the generations went much deeper than just old people set in their ways. Just to give an example, on the one hand I had a father telling me that once I was 18 and graduated from HS he expected me to be out of the house, while my grandmother firmly believed that you went from your father’s home to your husband’s home, and there had better be a church wedding in between those two events!. When I came to the US to study in college I was shocked at how much more open were relationships between grandparents/parents/children. They way I was raised you did not treat your parents like eqals EVER, even if you were an adult yourself. I think this concept is a very American one.
Privacy is almost non -existant when you live in a multi generation household and a standard home. It’s something we’re still learning to deal with.
Cross words can and do happen out in the open. However arguments or more importantly private discussions are put on hold until we have the space and time on our own. We quickly learnt that 90 year olds have a funny idea of privacy and like to chat…to anyone who will listen…(rolling my eyes) If it can’t wait, and we’re not in a private area, we hide in the bathroom. It sounds silly, I know, but it works or us.
haha Jenny, we have hid in the bathroom as well 🙂
Bedroom is usually the discussion place for my husband and me, though sometimes in the bathroom when we get ready for bed. The walls are thin in much of our house, so in order to reduce how much our private conversations get shared, we need to keep our voices lower. Good thing we don’t fight much!
I am so happy I stumbled upon your blog!!
My husband and I will soon relate to your situation very well!
4 years ago we lived 4 generations under one roof while our house was being built.
Fast forward to today and we have decided to move right back into that 4 generation home because we actually prefer it to living in our own family home!!
There will be my grandparents, my parents, us and our 3 children all under one roof 🙂
My husband and I don’t fight and I’m not lying. We don’t agree on everything, but agree to disagree. My husband is the most laid back man I have ever met. When we got married I learned it is impossible to fight with someone who won’t fight, yell, argue back. I am one of the most fortunate woman I know to be married to him. I have fought with my kids.