I have been putting off this post for weeks. Dementia Sucks…. I mean, who wants to ball their eyes out on purpose right? I knew that sitting behind my computer and starting this post would be emotional and honestly, I have no time for crying. -ha. The time finally came where I realized what everyone has been telling me for months. My grandfather is slipping away. The Dementia and the Full Circle Moment that brought me to tears happened almost two weeks ago and I barely made it home from the Nursing Home without having a nervous breakdown. -ha. I say that kiddingly because my son was in the car with me and I was trying not to lose it. He knew I was upset which made him upset.
As a kid, I spent many nights with my grandfather in his cow barn, sitting on bales of hay watching him do chores. Once he had the cows in their stalls, it was my job to give them their grain. I can remember these moments like it was yesterday. I would walk up and down the aisle and just dump grain in the long troughs where their grain would go.
A couple weeks ago, while my son was with me, my grandfather starting talking to me about how Tony (my son) was with him “last night” helping him do chores. He said he was there watching like he usually does and they had a lot to do. It hit me, he was talking to me, “about me.” My son just sat there and looked at him and didn’t really know what to say? Thankfully my son said nothing. -ha. Then all of sudden, he just switched topics and started telling me about how he got divorced (remember he got married a couple months ago?). You see the nurse he thought he married, left the nursing home to pursue another job. She said her good-byes to him and explained she got a new job but in his mind, she divorced him. She also took off with the snazzy new red car he bought her too. -ha.
Dementia and The Full Circle Moment that Brought me to tears
My grandfather is steadily declining and is no longer able to stand or walk. He is wheel chair bound and his brain is mush. It’s such a crappy quality of life and for the first time, I am realizing he would be better off in heaven with my gram. He doesn’t want to go to camp anymore and he just sits in a wheel chair all day staring off into space. He is agitated and often mad. They are trying some new meds to calm his thoughts and comfort him. I don’t want him to die but honestly, I don’t want him to live like this either. It’s to the point where I felt the same about my gram before she passed away. Life has a funny way of coming full circle and these life lessons are sometimes not easy ones. I am very thankful that I have had the opportunity to have my grandparents in my life for as long as I did/do have. Many of my friends never even knew their grandparents. I have to say, this watching and coping with my “new gramp” is not easy and I keep waiting for the day where he doesn’t recognize me. Every single time I go to the Nursing Home, I wonder…..will he know me? I have started to pray that he just closes his eyes and passes peacefully in his sleep. Now I need to go, wash my face, put some make up on and get my act together! -ha.